The Only Operating System You Will Ever Need!

Preface

Now that HappyNet is up and running, and Leader Kibo is ably directing the entire world with his custom Mondo Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV (see HappyNet Manifesto), the fastest and best computer ever built in the history of time and space (second best was Deep Thought), we at Studly Research, Inc. have come up with an operating system that is simultaneously capable of keeping up with Kibo's needs and sufficing for general use by all the rest of the common and sometimes ignorant citizens of this planet, and of any other planets we can think of.

No doubt you have been endlessly entertained by the furious religious operating system wars now taking place on the PC hardware arena. Should you be content with DOS and Windows? No! Should you switch to OS/2? No! Should you try your luck running a buggy Windows NT beta? Never! How about NeXTstep/486, or the upcoming Pink, or maybe Apple's System 7/486, or Linux, or Cray XMP-OS/486?

None of these!!! We at Studly Research, Inc. have come up with a solution so superior that the entire industry will soon switch over to our operating system and accompanying software. Microsoft will fold and Bill Gates will get a job working at a 7-11, handing out coupons. Apple will also collapse and John Sculley will be found lying unconscious in a pool with a can of Pepsi and a hypodermic needle lying nearby. IBM will survive, but will be forced to lay off another 400,000,000 employees, and eventually end up as a subsidiary of the Moscow McDonalds. The only surviving companies will be the cheap clone manufacturers, producing faster and cheaper machines with the label "Studly-Compatible" and "SPC" proudly displayed on the front panel.

What Is Studly-OS?

Studly-OS is the result of over three decades of intense operating systems reasearch at Studly Labs, also known as the Studly Laboratories For User Triumph, or SLUT. Extensive research with actual humans at SLUT, instead of the trained chimps used in most useability labs such as Xerox PARC*, Microsoft Barf** and Borland Snooze***, has determined that people are less interested in operating systems that offer a wide selection of native programs, or have a pretty interface, or simply go 'bing', than they are in the concept of an operating system that will quite simply solve ALL of their problems for them.

Studly-OS is that operating system.

Not only will Studly-OS make any clone computer, from a ten year-old XT to a 486/330DX10, capable of doing more than all the former operating systems ever developed, it will also quickly, seamlessly, and invisibly solve all of their personal problems and make them happy, rich, sexually irresistible and permanently wonderful.

But What Is The Cost?

Nothing. We at Studly Research, Inc. have gained from our own inventions to the extent that we are already happy, rich, sexually irresistible and permanently wonderful. We are offering Studly-OS to the public free of charge. Every ftp site will soon be carrying, and running under, Studly-OS, and free diskette, CD-ROM and Braille copies will be available at bookstores, K-Marts and oil refineries worldwide.

How Is This Technological Miracle Accomplished?

Most of the developments at Studly Research, Inc. are of course patent-protected and highly secret, although we do not balk at hyping tantalizing tidbits of Studly technology, simply to gain free press coverage.

Studly-OS is built around a nanokernel, the advanced descendant of microkernel operating systems available today. Our crack team of coders, hackers and pizza enthusiasts took an early beta of Microsoft's Windows NT, completely disassembled and analyzed the code, and then built Studly-OS by doing everything completely differently. We'd like to thank Microsoft for $69 well spent as a helpful exercise on how not to design operating systems.

Whereas NT's microkernel is fat enough to tip over a bus, Studly-OS's nanokernel fits in under 1k. Instead of a multiple message queue, Studly-OS uses a method where messages are intercepted before the application in question has even sent them out. We redesigned the Windows interface to appeal less to schizophrenics and came up with a fully object-oriented system where the objects not only were oriented with respect to each other, but oriented themselves to best suit the individual computer user, including sexual and political preferences. No longer is the system merely user-friendly, it is positively user-worshiping!

The Operating System Respects The User

People work in different ways, and Studly-OS automatically adjusts to this, painlessly, seamlessly, smoothly and invisibly. We realize that most computer users want their operating systems to pretty much stay out of the way and run any application they choose to throw at it. Studly-OS handles all file manipulation. You will never touch another configuration file or menu again!

For example, when the user sticks the first disk of an application in a drive, or even in between the little air vents in the front of the case, Studly- OS automatically determines what the program is, where it should be installed and how it should be set up, and then proceeds to build the rest of the program based on the contents of the first disk, taking out features which you will never use and adding those which the software manufacturer blindly left out. It then opens the icon editor and lets you create the ultimate icon for that application, filling in any tedious or difficult painting bits along the way. It then adds sound and animation to the icon, and while you watch, loads the application in the background and does your work for you while you play a quick game of Wing Commander III.

Studly-OS Is Compatible

Not sure if your application will run under Studly-OS?

Studly-OS runs ALL software programs written for DOS (including those using VCPI, DPMI and Shmoodoo memory management, by rewriting and optimizing the code before installing) Windows (including Win32, Win32s, Win32c, Win32nb, Win32ack and Win32thbbth!), OS/2, GEM, AmigaDOS (including games which refuse to run on any Amiga past a 500), NeXTstep, Unix (Studly-OS maintains a daily-updated database on every Unix variation in existence, and automatically recompiles any Unix program in the background to work on your system) TRS-DOS, Apple ][ DOS and ProDOS, Macintosh Systems 1 through 9, Timex-Sinclair ZX81 programs, Atari 2600, Nintendo and Sega game cartridges, Heathkit HDOS, CP/M (including utilities that used weird Z80 opcodes), Epson's Q-DOS, Cromenco DOS, RISC OS, Commodore C=64, 128, VIC-20 and Plus/4 programs, and Coleco ADAM software. If Studly-OS encounters an application written for a platform it does not support, it rewrites it to conform to established standards. If Studly-OS senses that a particular application is not running at sufficient speed, it rewrites the code until it exceeds the performance on the best hardware available. For example, one user managed to get Studly-OS to run Strike Commander on his XT with 8-bit VGA, and noted that the game response was "very smooth, at least 60 frames per second with no flicker or pauses that I could find."

Studly-OS Offers Superior Compression

Although the operating system itself, due to incredibly tight and sexy coding, fits into less than 32k of RAM and 500k of disk space, we realized that most user's applications are reaching such gargantuan sizes that we decided to include an advanced disk-compression package with the product.

16:1 lossless compression!! Yes, the reason this mythical product was never released to the marketplace was because we bought it out. Lock, stock, and barrel. You can compress a compressed file as many times as you like until all programs are down to the theoretical minimum of 1k! Yet still not lose any data. Of course, with all your programs at 1k, uncompression may take a little longer. However, we feel the extra disk space is truly worth it. Most graphics files, including .JPGs and .GIFs, can be safely compressed down to less than 32 bytes, especially the nudes, which all look pretty much the same anyway. Pictures of Madonna can be packed as small as 1 byte.

Studly-OS Is Here, Now!

No Microsoft FUD. No promises of shipments "when it's ready". Studly-OS is ready and available for you to install NOW! What are you waiting for?

Studly-OS Is Bug-Free!

Others promise, but we deliver. We don't have to name our product 3.1 just to fool people into thinking that it is a tested system. Studly-OS is, and will always be, version 1.0! There will never be a need for an upgrade!

And no, if you discover a bug, we don't send in the SWAT team to prove that you are an inconsiderate moron with the technical knowledge of a squashed gnat that can't even find his way out of the refrigerator. In fact, if you do find a bug, we are prepared to give you a $1 million prize, and an all-expenses paid tour to the fabulous Studly RESEARCH LABS in beautiful Barbados, where you will get to meet the Studly-OS design team and go for dinner and drinks! Then we will send out patches to everyone in the world free of charge.

Compare Studly-OS With Those "Other" Systems!

Here Are Some Real-Life Quotes Of People Who Have Used Studly-OS!

• "I love it! It makes me want to eat!" - Rush Limbaugh
• "Since it doesn't have the name Windows on it, it is an irrelevant platform." - Bill Gates
• "We will develop applications for Studly-OS if they sell two million copies in the first year, but they won't sell more than 25, no matter how many they actually sell." - Bill Gates
• "Would you like fries with that?" - Bill Gates
• "It's a beautiful day in the Studlyhood" - Fred Rogers
• "Pull the other one!" - Patsy
• "This is the most impressive operating system I have ever seen in my entire life. It makes everything else seem like damp kleenex. However, it will surely fail and become a dead operating system and fail and fail fail fail it must fail!!!! Because it doesn't have the power of Microsoft's marketing behind it." - Paul Somerson
• "I'm sure I've used Studly-OS before" - Shirley MacLaine
• "I will be introducing the new Studly-OS-compliant retroactive moderation specifications directly to the Net" - Dick Depew
• "I'm sorry, but I happen to own the copyrights to the letters O and S. Please send me all your money right away." - James "Kibo" Parry
• "Ack! Pft!" - Bill The Ceo
• "StudlyOS sucks!!!1111 Y00 think itz c00l but your rong!!!!!11111 I Cant run it on my Am1ga so what yoos is it????/ My Am1ga beats yor peecee anyday!!!!!! !!!11111111 Peecee even with StudlyOS cant beet Amiga because Amiga rules!!!! Amiga iz better because it is Amiga!!!1111 Nothing else is Amiga!!!11111" - B1FF

Notes:
* Palo Alto Research Center
** Boring Applications Rarely Fascinate
*** Stupid Nonsensical Object-Oriented Ziff-Davis Enema
HappyNet, Mondo Zeugma, and O and S are trademarks of Kibo.
Windows is NOT a trademark of Microsoft.
B1FF is a trademark of himself.